Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
what day is it and did you see me today?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
