I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
