Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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