the condom got lost in my hair
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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