Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
