if you like me you must not know who I am
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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