The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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