I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
