Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
