we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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