So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
