She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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