U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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