saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
