we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize