Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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