dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Sorry my hands just texted you
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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