her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
