Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
