On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
