The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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