Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
