A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
