My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
