Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
