I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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