I should be sponsored by Trojan
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It was like giving head to a cactus.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
