I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Randomize
