Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize