i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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