How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
