after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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