Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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