3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
