Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
