Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
