we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
