Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
