i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
