It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
