we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It was confusing and full of hummus
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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