He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
