I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
