you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
