Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
