Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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