That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
