You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
