do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just want to make out with him forever
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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