I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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