Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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