he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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