then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
