I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
